Marriage, Who Needs It?

As a child, we lived close by both sets of grandparents and got to know each. Most every Sunday afternoon we went to visit my mother’s parents and we got to visit with Aunts, Uncles, and cousins too. I got to see my father’s mother about every day since she lived above the Drug Store where my father worked. So for me, having close ties with grandparents (in-laws) was important. From what I could tell my parents got along well with both sets of parents.  

When my husband and I first met in college, I was only looking for someone fun to do things with, I was not interested in finding my spouse. Of course, the Lord had other plans and here we are 34 years and 5 children later. In that time I have had the opportunity to get to know my in-laws pretty well. Funny thing though, when we were becoming more serious in our dating, my parents, who were not members of the Church, encouraged the relationship and offered to mail me my grandmother’s rings to use for my engagement and wedding ring. His parents, members of the Church, were not too excited about the idea of our getting married before he graduated from college. They were afraid that he would not finish. He more than finished college, after 15 years of marriage and 5 children my husband graduated with an Ed.D. [Doctor of Education] in Institutional Management. By then my father-in-law and both my parents had passed away and did not get the chance to celebrate at the party we had for him.

According to James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen, “Parents who can work toward inclusion of a new son- or daughter-in-law and who show increased love and support have the best relationships with their married children and more influence in the lives of their grandchildren” (p.330). Early on we lived in Provo, Utah. My parents lived in Pennsylvania and his parents lived in Southern California. So we spent more time with my in-laws than we did with my parents. Of course, we kept in touch via phone and mail with my parents until we had been married for at least 4 years. By that time we both had better-paying jobs and could afford to travel on occasion. We did visit with my in-laws at least once-a-month after we moved out to our own apartment in Southern California. After children came along we tried to visit more than once-a-month so our children would at least know one set of grandparents well. It was hard to go visit them because they did not have a high chair or a playpen for our children so we would pack everything up and transport it to their house for a visit of a few hours. One time, I insisted that they come to us. After all, they only had to drive themselves to our apartment and not bring all the equipment with them. My father-in-law said that it was too far, I said that it was the same distance for us to travel to them. I think he was joking, at least I hope he was.

My mother-in-law is the best, she has been very supportive of our family. She has followed the five suggestions that every in-law should avoid as given by Gloria Horsley. “They are giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication” (p. 332). We have gone camping with her and to Hawaii together. She has babysat for us and hosted family dinners at her home. Now that she is older and her health has begun to fail, we have had the opportunity to care for her full time. But only with time, contact, and communication are those relationships built.

 

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.” In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

 

Horsley, G. C. (1997). The In-law Survival Manual: A Guide to Cultivating Healthy In-law Relationships (New York: John Wiley & Sons).

 

 

When our children were growing up we made an effort to have, at least, a monthly family council. It was during these meetings that we went over the schedule, we went over assignments for Family Home Evening, we taught about tithing and other principles and doctrines. On occasion, that was really the only time that we all were together during the week. But there is one council, I think, my husband and I could have used more to our advantage and that is the couple council or the “executive session” as Dr. Richard B. Miller calls it in his 2008 address, “Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families”.  

The idea of councils is not new. Joseph Smith, when organizing the first high council of the Church, described his actions, “I then declared the council organized according to the ancient order, and also according to the mind of the Lord” (p. 40). Councils were even used when organizing the heavens and the earth as found in the Pearl of Great Price in Abraham 5: 3 “And the Gods concluded upon the seventh time, because that on the seventh time they would rest from their works which they (the Gods) counseled among themselves to form; and sanctified it. And thus were their decisions at the time that they counseled among themselves to form the heavens and the earth.”

Elder M. Russell Ballard explains, “I don’t know that it is possible for any organization to succeed in the Church…without adopting the genius of our Church government. What is that? As I conceive it, the genius of our Church government is government through councils” (p. 44). The saying goes, two heads are better than one, and councils are a great way to take advantage of those two or more heads. One idea of councils that particularly impressed me was a statement by Elder Rulon G. Craven, former executive secretary to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He says, “I have noticed that each of the Brethren is not so much concerned with expressing his own point of view as he is with listening to the point of view of others and striving to create a proper climate in the Council meetings. They are sensitive to one another’s thoughts and rarely interrupt one another during their conversations. During discussion they do not push their own ideas but try to determine from the discussion what would be best for the kingdom” (p.47). Of course, this is description is in relation to general Church matters. Yet the same principles or concepts could be applied to any family council.

With Mom and Dad at the helm, families can council where everyone is heard from, all ideas are appreciated, without ridicule, and an agreement is reached that leaves everyone happy. I know that we missed the mark on some of the points made in Elder Craven’s description, yet I feel everyone did get a voice in many of our decisions, especially when planning vacations. The kids came up with some of the best ideas, such as when our oldest graduated from high school she suggested that we go to Washington D.C. That was a great trip. Not only did we tour Washington D.C. but we also got to visit with my family in Pennsylvania and the Sacred Grove and Palmyra in New York. I would not have been able to plan that on my own, so glad we listened to the kids and their ideas. That is what I feel is the best part of the wisdom of councils. 

The Thompson Family in New York City

Ballard, M. Russell. (1997). Counseling with Our Councils, Salt Lake City, UT. Deseret Book.

Miller, Richard B. Ph.D. “Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

 

 

 

 

For most folks, myself included, the topic of sexual intimacy is a sensitive subject. And as a follower of Jesus Christ, I want to keep the commandments, of which sexual purity is one. When kneeling at the marriage altar, I find it interesting that one moment you and your finance are not married and then next you are now husband and wife. With that change full expression of the love shared is now allowed. Prior to marriage, we are told to save our virtue for our spouse; that the powers of procreation are to only be engaged after lawful marriage.

In our readings this week we are reminded of just how sacred the power of procreation is and how, within the bonds of matrimony, sexual intimacy is a way to not only bring children into the world but to also keep the bonds of matrimony strong. We also learned that fidelity is more than of just a physical nature. True fidelity involves the mind, heart, and body of a person.

We should be friends with our spouse but we may also develop friendships with others outside of our marriage. This is not necessarily a bad thing on its own, however when a friendship creates thoughts and feelings that are not in keeping with the marriage covenants that have been made, then a problem fidelity could exist. Kenneth W. Matheson, a professor at Brigham Young University stated, “Physical infidelity is only one of the many temptations Satan uses to break up families and marriages. Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind” (p. 3). I have a friend who experienced this exact situation. She became friends with a man she met at school. Her husband was not happy with the friendship but other than complaining, he did not work on building their relationship. So she turned toward her “friend” and eventually left her husband and got a divorce. This couple had been married for at least 20 years and had a Temple marriage.

How do we prevent infidelity in any form from happening? I would like to share some of the suggestions provided by H. Wallace Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. He provides 10 ways to prevent or overcome the temptation of infidelity. I would like to share seven.

1. Do not allow the seeds of lust to germinate. Do not look on another woman or man with lust.
2. Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.
3. Take responsibility for the messages that you give. You do not have the right to be “cute” or flirty with anyone but your spouse.
4. Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone. Push daydreaming of any person but your spouse out of your mind.
5. Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse. Find ways to improve your marriage.
6. Renew your spiritual efforts. Turn to the Lord in prayer. Ask for strength to put temptation out of your mind.
7. Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship. Each of us should rejoice in the sacred gift of spousal trust (p. 87-89).

By applying these suggestions and recommitting ourselves to our spouses and our marriages temptation can be overcome and improvement can be made.

Interestingly, much has been said, even in the scriptures about the importance of marital relations. In Genesis 2: 24 it states, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”. Brent A. Barlow continues this thought by quoting President Spencer W. Kimball, twelfth president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, “Sexuality is a beautiful power given to mankind from God. ‘The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as a God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be “one flesh” was as important as his command to “be fruitful and multiply.” (Quoting Billy Graham, Ensign, May 1974. p. 7.)’ (p. 1).

I have to admit that I have not paid as much attention to this aspect of my marriage as perhaps I should. I think that perhaps both my husband and myself could use to go back to school and learn more about the importance of having a stronger bond through physical expression.

 

References:

Barlow, Brent A. https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/23923-FTC_hanse229/Course%20Files/Twain%20Shall%20Be%20OneThoughts%20on%20Intimacy%20in%20Marriage.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=F4TPXua50Log2P7PIToPIV5Cm&ou=248791.

Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D. (2007) Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Powerful Principles with Eternal Results. Fairfax, VA: Meridan Publishing.

Matheson, Kenneth W. https://www.lds.org/ensign/2009/09/fidelity-in-marriage-its-more-than-you-think?lang=eng.

(748)

 

The saying goes that you are never too old to learn something new. This has been the case this week for me, I learned about the “marital poop detector” in John M. Gottman’s book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

I think most who have been married more than two years would agree that a marriage is a work in progress. It is a living, breathing entity that requires attention and sustenance to keep it alive and growing. The problem is that as time goes by couples may fall into the rut of routine and go through the motions of marriage without really putting anything into it. Kind of like what I do with my car and oil changes, I add oil to keep the motor running when I really should get the oil changed. If I don’t change the oil or add oil to the engine, I wind up in trouble with an expensive repair bill. The marital poop detector, according to Gottman can help prevent a minor problem, such as getting an oil change, from blowing up into something greater, like the expensive repair bill.

            The marital poop detector is not anything stinky or too difficult to handle it is merely a weekly interview or inventory of how things are going with both husband and wife. “Usually one member of a couple tends to take the lead in sniffing out trouble. More often than not it is the wife. When her husband gets cranky or withdrawn, she calls him on it and finds out what’s wrong. But there’s no reason why you both can’t perform this function in your marriage” (p. 280-281). For instance, when my husband may seem off or distracted, I will take him aside and ask what is going on. By asking simple questions to take stock of your relationship each week or more often if necessary, major blow-ups can be avoided.

Gottman provides a questionnaire to assess the marriage relationship. I am only going to provide 10.

1. I have been feeling emotionally distant.
2. I have been feeling lonely.
3. I have been angry.
4. I wish we were closer right now.
5. My partner has been acting irritably.
6. My partner’s attention seems to be somewhere else.
7. I have little idea of what my partner is thinking.
8. We really need to talk.
9. Lately small issues escalate.
10. There hasn’t been very much fun or joy in our lives (p. 281-282).

Keeping a marriage alive requires an investment of time, energy, and a willingness to work together. After all, isn’t that why you got married in the first place, to work together instead of apart? By understanding what each other needs, a couple can work together to meet those needs and create a stronger marriage.

 

Gottman, John M., PH.D., and Silver, Nan, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books, New York, 2015, p. 280-282

 

 

 

 

 

Marriage is like a two-sided coin while being the most rewarding experience it can also be one of the most frustrating. Rewarding because of the joy found in each other’s company and frustrating because as we live together we get to see the “real” person that we are married to, idiosyncrasies and all.

I remember when I was first married someone said that you really do not know someone until you live with them. I discovered that statement to be true. My spouse and I had different levels of cleanliness, I thought we needed to own a vacuum cleaner to clean the carpet and he knew how to use a broom to get the job done. I used to be bothered by the fact that my husband would cut the wind first thing in the morning. I mentioned that to my brother one day and he said, “At least you know that he is alive and kicking”. I laughed at his statement, but he was right. I came to be grateful for those small things that seemed irritating at first because of the reminder that we were alive and kicking.

With that said, there have been times when life was not a bed of roses. Even roses have thorns and anger may be the response given or received then. But where does that anger come from and who is the author of such feelings? According to Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Quorum of Seventy, One of Satan’s “strateg[ies] is to stir up anger between family members.” The family is where we practice for eternity and Satan does not want men to find happiness in this life or in the next so he attacks the family any way he can. Anger is just one of his tools.

Interestingly, Elder Robbins points out that, “A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control”.  But that is not the case, we cannot lose our temper because it is not an involuntary emotion. Rather, “becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” says Elder Robbins. Continuing, Elder Robbins quotes, “Author William Wilbanks states ‘Aggression,…suppressing anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,’ are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. ‘We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated with our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends and family?’” It all comes down to how we will choose to act and not react. As part of his book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman shares five points, if applied to a marriage, will help with not avoiding confrontation but help with acting and resolving problems without anger or lessening it. The five points are

1. Soften your start-up
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise, and
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

 By using these steps focus on the problem can be maintained and anger can be avoided. In Ephesians 4:26 “Paul asks the question, ‘Can ye be angry, and not sin?’” In 3 Nephi we read, “Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men, with anger, one against another, but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.

Ultimately, then the choice is who are we going to follow, Jesus Christ or worldly leaders? Will we allow anger a place in our hearts and interactions with others or will we follow the counsel found in Doctrine and Covenants 121? “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained…, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned”.  As a result, Satan has less control over us and our families because there is greater love shared by all.

References:

Gottman, John M., PH.D., and Silver, Nan, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books, New York, 2015, p.161.

Robbins, Elder Lynn G., “Agency and Anger,” Ensign, May 1998, 80.

 

 

 

I have been guilty of being prideful, it took me years to realize just how much of an idiot I had been. Funny thing is that I did not realize that it was pride that was holding me back,  until this week’s lesson. I just knew that I needed to let it go and ask forgiveness from my husband. President Ezra Taft Benson, the thirteen President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints said in his address of April 1989, “In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride…” (p. 4). He continues, “They [the proud] withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings” (p. 6). This is a pretty accurate description of what I had done. Only thing is that my husband did not realize what was going on because I never said anything until I asked for his forgiveness.

 

I had carried the grudge for so long that I had even let it go to the back of my mind. So grateful that the Holy Ghost will bring all things to our remembrance (John 14:26). That is what happened to me and motivated me to address the issue and speak with my eternal companion and overcome it and move forward together. President Benson said, “Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing. The central feature of pride is enmity – enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen” (p. 4-5). “Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition’” (p. 5).  We may not think of our family members as our fellowmen, but they are, and sometimes they are the ones we treat the worst.

 

Fortunately, we have the opportunity for repentance and change. We can overcome pride and become more humble, more loving and giving, and more Christ-like in our interactions with others. We have a choice, President Benson reminds us, “God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble” (p. 7). Knowing that pride is what led to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, as well as the Nephite Nation, I think I will choose to be humble.

 

References: Benson, Ezra Taft. (May 1989). Beware of Pride. Ensign, 4-7.

In the Beginning

When my husband and I were first married we lived in Provo, UT because he had a year of schooling left. But I am so thankful for that time because we learned to rely on each other and on the Lord. After graduation, we moved to Southern California and lived with his parents for 3 months too long. I used to get so frustrated when my husband got home from work he would report to his father before he would even say “hello” to me. I did not like that experience and was grateful when we moved out to our own apartment.

Currently

This experience reminds me of our lesson this week in learning to turn toward each other. I think I have been doing this for many years but just did not have a name for it. I’d invite my husband or a child to go with me to the store on a regular basis, I did not know why I did it, I just liked the company. Sometimes my husband has been able to go with me and other times he could not. I always enjoy the chance to go pick up a gallon of milk and some bread and having the chance to talk. I have gotten in the habit of pausing the show on TV when he walks in the room because he wants to tell me something. (Don’t you just love DVR?) Doing little things like this add to the feelings of trust and intimacy to a marriage and help it grow stronger.

What Can We Do About It

I like the analogy of making deposits in an emotional bank account when we respond to the bids for attention from our spouse. “Keeping an account in your head of how much your partner has been connecting with you in little ways can greatly benefit your marriage” (p.94)¹. Dr. Gottman shares a list of activities that couples can do together to help them turn toward each other. A few of those activities are:

• Clean house, do laundry.
• Watch or read the news together.
• Perform committee work in the community (e.g., volunteering).
• Exercise together.
• Walk the dog together.
• Go on weekend outings (e.g., picnics, drives)² (p.95-96).

Most of the activities listed cost little to no money so anyone can complete them. Most everyone I know wants a happy marriage and many do have happy marriages. But just as we need to invest our money in order for it to grow, the same holds true for our marriages. We need to invest not only time but ourselves in our marriages so they can grow and we can grow together.

 

References:

1. Gottman, John M., Ph.D. & Silver, Nan. the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. (2015). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

2. Ibid.

 

I know this may not sound like it applies to marriage relationships, but please hear me out. As I come to the close of early morning seminary and the New Testament I have begun to look forward to studying the Book of Mormon next school year. I have found that every time I read the Book of Mormon I learn something new or gain new insights. I remember one time reading and chapter in 2^nd Nephi and asking myself if that was a new chapter because I did not remember reading it before. This experience is not because the Book of Mormon has changed but rather because I have changed. As time passes we are new and different people because of effects of life experiences. Therefore, if I am different each day the same would hold true for my spouse and my children.

That is why this week’s lesson material has hit home for me. We were challenged to go on a date with our spouse every week for the next few weeks and to nurture our relationship with our spouse by changing our attitudes towards them.  When we were dating we spent time getting to know each other. We talked about everything, as time has gone by and five children later, we almost take for granted that we know all there is to know about each other. But do we really? For years, our dates have been few and far between. We go to the Temple on a fairly regular basis but then go straight home and back to work. We go out for dinner on our anniversary. We pretty much do what we need to do, such as homework for me and he grades papers for his online teaching job and works on his calling and non-profit organization. With this week’s assignment to go on a date, I honestly do not know when we will be able to achieve that. I have rehearsal for the local high school musical every night this week, which interestingly, I learned about last weekend. Just about the same time that I learned that we need to go on a date this week.

However, all is not lost. I have made a conscientious effort to look at my husband and think about him in a more positive light. By doing so, I realize just how hard my husband works to support our family and help around the house. I find that I am the one who is changing and changing for the better. My husband seems to be happier too.

I can’t help but think of the Savior’s commandment to “Love one another”. This especially applies to our spouses and families. Will we really be able to be together forever as a family if we don’t truly love one another? I’ll be the first to admit that there have been days when I have been upset with my husband and ask myself, “Do I really want to be with him forever”? My answer is a resounding, “Yes”! Yes, I do want to be with my husband and family forever and continue learning and growing together. We just need to get our schedules to in sync to go on that date.

Who knew that friendship was really the basis for a happy marriage? I always thought that shared interests, good communication, and being physically attracted to each other were the foundations of a happy marriage. Funny thing is that if a couple has a good friendship they probably do have shared interests, good communication and are physically attracted to each other.

I know a couple who are probably the best of friends and were high school sweethearts and married shortly after high school. They have five grown children with eight grandchildren with two on the way. They could spend every moment together and never be bored with each other. They do so many things together such as scuba diving, mountain climbing, and competing in marathons and half marathons. They are active in Church and support each other in fulfilling their callings. As they have grown older they look more and more like each other. They are fun to be around and always have positive things to say about each other and those around them.

I’m sure they have had their fair share of disagreements, but that has not deterred them from being each other’s best friends. Dr. John M. Gottman states in his book, “the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship” (p.21). How do we do this when statistics seem to be against the success of a marriage?

At some point, everyone will encounter differences, miscommunications, frustrations, and arguments with others in their life. Whether it is a spouse, a child, a parent, or a co-worker. According to Dr. Gottman, there are six signs that indicate if a marriage is in danger of ending. Those signs are “first: a harsh start-up, second: the four horsemen, third: flooding, fourth: body language, fifth: failed repair attempts, sixth: bad memories” (p.31, 32, 39, 41, 44, & 47). Each symptom is negative in nature thus prohibiting or slowly destroying the marriage.

Because of my belief in Jesus Christ, I feel a great responsibility to work at my marriage and to help not only myself but also my spouse to reach our eternal potential. We can only do that together as husband and wife, married for time and eternity. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard in his book “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage” draws on the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to help change our mindsets when feeling frustrated, “indignant, or irritated” (p.25). He suggests that we recognize who is the author of such negative feelings and turn our thoughts more toward the feelings of our partners. Thereby helping us become more Christ-like in our interactions with others. As an added result we draw closer to our spouses. “The surge of indignation that swells up when we are upset does not have to swamp our little boat. We can choose to calm the seas by the same power that Jesus used to calm the waters of Gennesaret” (p.26, italics added).

 

Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D. (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Powerful Principles with Eternal Results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.

Gottman, John M., Ph.D. & Silver, Nan. (2015). the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.