The saying goes that you are never too old to learn something new. This has been the case this week for me, I learned about the “marital poop detector” in John M. Gottman’s book, the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
I think most who have been married more than two years would agree that a marriage is a work in progress. It is a living, breathing entity that requires attention and sustenance to keep it alive and growing. The problem is that as time goes by couples may fall into the rut of routine and go through the motions of marriage without really putting anything into it. Kind of like what I do with my car and oil changes, I add oil to keep the motor running when I really should get the oil changed. If I don’t change the oil or add oil to the engine, I wind up in trouble with an expensive repair bill. The marital poop detector, according to Gottman can help prevent a minor problem, such as getting an oil change, from blowing up into something greater, like the expensive repair bill.
The marital poop detector is not anything stinky or too difficult to handle it is merely a weekly interview or inventory of how things are going with both husband and wife. “Usually one member of a couple tends to take the lead in sniffing out trouble. More often than not it is the wife. When her husband gets cranky or withdrawn, she calls him on it and finds out what’s wrong. But there’s no reason why you both can’t perform this function in your marriage” (p. 280-281). For instance, when my husband may seem off or distracted, I will take him aside and ask what is going on. By asking simple questions to take stock of your relationship each week or more often if necessary, major blow-ups can be avoided.
Gottman provides a questionnaire to assess the marriage relationship. I am only going to provide 10.
- I have been feeling emotionally distant.
- I have been feeling lonely.
- I have been angry.
- I wish we were closer right now.
- My partner has been acting irritably.
- My partner’s attention seems to be somewhere else.
- I have little idea of what my partner is thinking.
- We really need to talk.
- Lately small issues escalate.
- There hasn’t been very much fun or joy in our lives (p. 281-282).
Keeping a marriage alive requires an investment of time, energy, and a willingness to work together. After all, isn’t that why you got married in the first place, to work together instead of apart? By understanding what each other needs, a couple can work together to meet those needs and create a stronger marriage.
Gottman, John M., PH.D., and Silver, Nan, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books, New York, 2015, p. 280-282
