Who knew that friendship was really the basis for a happy marriage? I always thought that shared interests, good communication, and being physically attracted to each other were the foundations of a happy marriage. Funny thing is that if a couple has a good friendship they probably do have shared interests, good communication and are physically attracted to each other.
I know a couple who are probably the best of friends and were high school sweethearts and married shortly after high school. They have five grown children with eight grandchildren with two on the way. They could spend every moment together and never be bored with each other. They do so many things together such as scuba diving, mountain climbing, and competing in marathons and half marathons. They are active in Church and support each other in fulfilling their callings. As they have grown older they look more and more like each other. They are fun to be around and always have positive things to say about each other and those around them.
I’m sure they have had their fair share of disagreements, but that has not deterred them from being each other’s best friends. Dr. John M. Gottman states in his book, “the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship” (p.21). How do we do this when statistics seem to be against the success of a marriage?
At some point, everyone will encounter differences, miscommunications, frustrations, and arguments with others in their life. Whether it is a spouse, a child, a parent, or a co-worker. According to Dr. Gottman, there are six signs that indicate if a marriage is in danger of ending. Those signs are “first: a harsh start-up, second: the four horsemen, third: flooding, fourth: body language, fifth: failed repair attempts, sixth: bad memories” (p.31, 32, 39, 41, 44, & 47). Each symptom is negative in nature thus prohibiting or slowly destroying the marriage.
Because of my belief in Jesus Christ, I feel a great responsibility to work at my marriage and to help not only myself but also my spouse to reach our eternal potential. We can only do that together as husband and wife, married for time and eternity. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard in his book “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage” draws on the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to help change our mindsets when feeling frustrated, “indignant, or irritated” (p.25).
He suggests that we recognize who is the author of such negative feelings and turn our thoughts more toward the feelings of our partners. Thereby helping us become more Christ-like in our interactions with others. As an added result we draw closer to our spouses. “The surge of indignation that swells up when we are upset does not have to swamp our little boat. We can choose to calm the seas by the same power that Jesus used to calm the waters of Gennesaret” (p.26, italics added).
Goddard, H. Wallace, Ph.D. (2007). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Powerful Principles with Eternal Results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.
Gottman, John M., Ph.D. & Silver, Nan. (2015). the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.