In the Beginning
When my husband and I were first married we lived in Provo, UT because he had a year of schooling left. But I am so thankful for that time because we learned to rely on each other and on the Lord. After graduation, we moved to Southern California and lived with his parents for 3 months too long. I used to get so frustrated when my husband got home from work he would report to his father before he would even say “hello” to me. I did not like that experience and was grateful when we moved out to our own apartment.
Currently
This experience reminds me of our lesson this week in learning to turn toward each other. I think I have been doing this for many years but just did not have a name for it. I’d invite my husband or a child to go with me to the store on a regular basis, I did not know why I did it, I just liked the company. Sometimes my husband has been able to go with me and other times he could not. I always enjoy the chance to go pick up a gallon of milk and some bread and having the chance to talk. I have gotten in the habit of pausing the show on TV when he walks in the room because he wants to tell me something. (Don’t you just love DVR?) Doing little things like this add to the feelings of trust and intimacy to a marriage and help it grow stronger.
What Can We Do About It
I like the analogy of making deposits in an emotional bank account when we respond to the bids for attention from our spouse. “Keeping an account in your head of how much your partner has been connecting with you in little ways can greatly benefit your marriage” (p.94)1. Dr. Gottman shares a list of activities that couples can do together to help them turn toward each other. A few of those activities are:
- Clean house, do laundry.
- Watch or read the news together.
- Perform committee work in the community (e.g., volunteering).
- Exercise together.
- Walk the dog together.
- Go on weekend outings (e.g., picnics, drives)2 (p.95-96).
Most of the activities listed cost little to no money so anyone can complete them. Most everyone I know wants a happy marriage and many do have happy marriages. But just as we need to invest our money in order for it to grow, the same holds true for our marriages. We need to invest not only time but ourselves in our marriages so they can grow and we can grow together.
References:
1. Gottman, John M., Ph.D. & Silver, Nan. the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. (2015). New York, NY: Harmony Books.
2. Ibid.