Marriage is like a two-sided coin while being the most rewarding experience it can also be one of the most frustrating. Rewarding because of the joy found in each other’s company and frustrating because as we live together we get to see the “real” person that we are married to, idiosyncrasies and all.
I remember when I was first married someone said that you really do not know someone until you live with them. I discovered that statement to be true. My spouse and I had different levels of cleanliness, I thought we needed to own a vacuum cleaner to clean the carpet and he knew how to use a broom to get the job done. I used to be bothered by the fact that my husband would cut the wind first thing in the morning. I mentioned that to my brother one day and he said, “At least you know that he is alive and kicking”. I laughed at his 
statement, but he was right. I came to be grateful for those small things that seemed irritating at first because of the reminder that we were alive and kicking.
With that said, there have been times when life was not a bed of roses. Even roses have thorns and anger may be the response given or received then. But where does that anger come from and who is the author of such feelings? According to Elder Lynn G. Robbins of the Quorum of Seventy, One of Satan’s “strateg[ies] is to stir up anger between family members.” The family is where we practice for eternity and Satan does not want men to find happiness in this life or in the next so he attacks the family any way he can. Anger is just one of his tools.
Interestingly, Elder Robbins points out that, “A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control”. But that is not the case, we cannot lose our temper because it is not an involuntary emotion. Rather, “becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” says Elder Robbins. Continuing, Elder Robbins quotes, “Author William Wilbanks states ‘Aggression,…suppressing anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,’ are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. ‘We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated with our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends and family?’” It all comes down to how we will choose to act and not react. As part of his book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman shares five points, if applied to a marriage, will help with not avoiding confrontation but help with acting and resolving problems without anger or lessening it. The five points are
- Soften your start-up
- Learn to make and receive repair attempts
- Soothe yourself and each other
- Compromise, and
- Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.
By using these steps focus on the problem can be maintained and anger can be avoided. In Ephesians 4:26 “Paul asks the question, ‘Can ye be angry, and not sin?’” In 3 Nephi we read, “Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men, with anger, one against another, but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.
Ultimately, then the choice is who are we going to follow, Jesus Christ or worldly leaders? Will we allow anger a place in our hearts and interactions with others or will we follow the counsel found in Doctrine and Covenants 121? “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained…, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned”. As a result, Satan has less control over us and our families because there is greater love shared by all.
References:
Gottman, John M., PH.D., and Silver, Nan, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books, New York, 2015, p.161.
Robbins, Elder Lynn G., “Agency and Anger,” Ensign, May 1998, 80.