One of the reasons I am taking Marriage and Family 300 is that I want to make sure that my marriage does not become like many of the marriages that I have witnessed in my family and in my husband’s family. Meaning the couple seemed to be just living together under the same roof. I want more than that and I believe that Heavenly Father wants more than that from us as a couple and a family.
When my husband and I got married, I was the only member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in my family. We chose to marry in the Los Angeles Temple, which meant that my parents could not be in attendance at the ceremony. This was a difficult decision and at the same time, was not a difficult decision for me. I knew that I wanted to be married for time and all eternity to my spouse. I even said before I joined the Church that I wanted a Temple marriage. I also knew that I wanted the Lord to be part of our marriage. Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said in 2006, “Ultimate happiness, which is the very object of the Father’s plan, is received through the making and honoring of eternal marriage covenants”.[i] This is what I want for my marriage.
Growing up I never knew my paternal grandfather because he died when my Dad was three-years-old. My maternal grandparents stayed together, but I do not believe I ever say any kind of affection displayed between them. The closest thing that might resemble affection was my grandfather’s nickname for my grandmother. He called her “Luke” because she was a nurse and Luke in the Bible was a physician. They slept in separate bedrooms at the summer cabin and had separate beds on opposite sides of the room at their main home. I think it was because grandpa snored so loud. I only saw one occasion where my father-in-law held my mother-in-law’s hand when we went to dinner to celebrate their anniversary. He always seemed to be the boss and in control, she was in subjection to him. My own parents gradually seemed to just reside together, they spoke with each other and did some things together, but my mother made the comment after my father passed away saying that she really did not miss him. I thought to myself, “how sad”, and yet I know that my mother had been a very independent woman even when my brother and I were children. She had to be because Dad worked very long hours at the Drugstore. In the talk, “Covenant Marriage” by Elder Bruce C. Hafen, he mentions three “wolves” that test a marriage, natural adversity, own imperfections, and excessive individualism. I feel that excessive individualism is the greatest threat to marriages today. This is what I am trying to prevent from happening in my own marriage. “The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it….He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone”.[ii] I have had to be independent as my husband completed his education, served in the Stake Presidency, and worked to provide for our family. But that was only temporary, now it is my turn to be in school, teach seminary, volunteer in the community, and teach piano lessons. Soon things will change and I will have the opportunity to put into practice what I am learning in this class. I will have the opportunity to be a transitional character in my family and work to improve the legacy of marriage relationships. My oldest child turns 30 this week and my youngest graduates from college. Yet none of my children are married yet. I wonder if they feel that our marriage has been so bad that they do not want to marry? I pray that is not the case and I pray that we can show them that you are never too old to learn and improve.
[i] Bednar, David A., “Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan”, Ensign, Jun 2006, 82-87
[ii] Hafen, Bruce C., “Covenant Marriage”, General Conference, October 1996